There are times in life when we might need a little extra help managing a difficult life event. For example, when things are changing too fast, or you’re reeling from a loss, or when something scary has happened. When it’s difficult to lean on your support system for one reason or another, therapy can help.

Unhelpful Adaptations / Developmental Trauma

Some of us have had experiences in our history that may make our ability to meet life’s challenges more difficult, and our need for expert help more essential.

When we’re growing up we adapt to our circumstances in ways that give us the most sense of safety. As children, when we don’t feel safe, we might adapt through: feeling inferior; feeling superior; needing to be perfect; feeling you must not rely on people; people pleasing, etc.

Some of these adaptations develop when, as kids, we were exposed to many events that were actually unsafe, or felt unsafe, such as sexual abuse, physical abuse, neglect, bullying, and negative social conditions (i.e., racism, sexism, ableism, homophobia, etc.). When we’ve had some of these scary things in our histories, we learn to be on constant alert, and dealing with stressful events as an adult can feel overwhelming.

Some kinds of developmental traumas can be more subtle. For example, when we are growing up we require two things in order to thrive— we need to feel loved, and we need to feel safe. If we feel loved by someone, but don’t feel safe with that person, that love is not trustworthy. As kids we may conclude that relationships, in general, are not trustworthy, and they can become anxiety provoking. When our relationships don’t feel safe, we have trouble finding safety inside ourselves, and our ability to manage and bounce back from hard times can be more difficult.

When we’ve had a difficult childhood, as adults we may end up having to manage a wide range of challenges, including mental health issues (i.e., low self worth, depression, anxiety, mood swings, etc.), problems in relationships (i.e., difficulties trusting, pushing loved ones away, fear of abandonment, etc.), and physical health challenges. The name for this condition is “developmental trauma,” or Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD).

Attachment Theory

Attachment Theory tells us that if we feel safe and loved as children, as adults we will move towards healthy relationships and we will be better equipped to manage the challenges of life. About half of us haven’t had that kind of upbringing.

So where does that leave us?

Fortunately, we are already wired for having safe relationships, or “secure attachment.” This “wiring” gets overshadowed by our traumas. As we heal our past, this sense of safety begins to emerge along with qualities of secure attachment. Some of these are:

  • Good self-worth and self-confidence

  • Independence and autonomy, as well as healthy reliance on others for love and support

  • Resilience and adaptability in difficult situations

  • Ability to manage impulses and manage emotions

  • Healthy ability to experience intimacy and affection, and ability to maintain relationships

  • Ability to experience optimism, hope and joy

Developmental trauma is usually not something we can “get over” on our own. As children we had to adapt to our life situation the best we could, and those adaptations, even though they might not be working for us anymore, can feel like they are part of who we are. There’s a lot we now know about how to heal developmental trauma. There are wonderful techniques that make the work less painful and more effective than in the past.

If you’re ready to make change happen and you want to talk about your specific situation, contact me for a free consultation.